The Process - Part 1

"Return, O Israel, to the Lord your God, for you have stumbled because of your iniquity. Take words with you and return to the Lord."


The rain is falling hard on the roof of my car, drumming out a constant patter of invasion. The glow from the dome light fights hard to expel the darkness, but it can't reach every nook and cranny, and darkness clings tightly to places the light is not allowed.

Parked in the middle of nowhere, I'm sitting numbly, staring at my hands gripping the wheel, my mind blank. Years ago I learned to throw up a wall against the pain. To check out while it was happening was the only way to cope. I was too weak to keep it away, but I could ignore it. I could block it from my consciousness until it stopped hurting.

Why do I keep getting myself into these situations? It's like I crave the pain. Even now, I hurt. Even after it is all over, I can't escape. They hate me. They love me. I'm worthless. I'm good. I can't do this anymore. God, I just want to die, to find the escape of dark unfeeling. But I can't do it. I can't take my own life. I don't know why, but I can't. God, it hurts. Help me?

The rain continues to pour, as I merge onto the highway, headed for home. The storm rages inside and out as my wipers try to help me see the road. Thunder crashes overhead, shaking the car, and a fresh torrent of rain plummets from the skies. The road ahead is now a curtain of water, and I can't see a thing. I don't know where to turn, can't see what's ahead, and have no idea how long this storm will last, so I pull over, flip on my hazards, and stop the car.

Before I know it, the tears are rolling down my face as the frustration boils out. I scream in the confines of the car, "WHY?!" Pounding the wheel with my fist, I rage on in the night, "Give me one good reason this is happening to me! I hate you! You're supposed to make things good! I tried to serve you, tried to do what was right, and what have you ever done for me? You stranded me. Alone. Penniless. No one cares about me, everyone has left me. I'm alone. Give me one good reason I should do what you say."

Anger seething, I fall silent.

No sound but the pouring rain. The skies are silent. Water streams down my windshield, drop combining with drop until the whole bubble gives way to gravity and slides down the glass. With the streams of water, the heated emotions gently drain away, and I'm left with cold, empty sorrow.

"God, I can't do this anymore. I suck at life. Everywhere I turn I get beaten up and left for dead. I'm doing it all wrong. I need something to  rescue me from this wreck that I've made. You do that sort of thing, don't you? Will you do it for me too? Please?"

I wait.

The rain slackens a bit and I pull back onto the road.